When
When it appeared in the news I was shocked and unprepared. Needless to say I was not welcoming the dark trip back to memory lane. How many times one individual can be broken. Besides the sordid details, strangers insistent stares or misplaced compassion I had found myself utterly lonely with only agony for companion.
When it started I was eight. It was a bright afternoon in November. I had been busy making arrangements to my dolls house for over an hour. Jackie was my favourite doll and she had many friends. There was a knock on the door and I did not answer, it was my father. From that point on I have never managed to suppress the numbness and the smell of treason let alone the ability to warrant a pardon.
When I was hurt, I realized that in his eyes I had become nothing more than an insignificant piece of dirt. The world had been turned upside down with disgust as its crown. Lacking will power, I drowned into my own anxiety and lived in relatively permanent state of worry. Always wary of an unpleasant emotion in anticipation of an unannounced unnatural action.
When I got older the guilt triggered vague promises but tainted gifts metamorphosed into physical threats. I guess I stopped being Daddy's little pet. At a stage when I should have transformed from clay into a beautiful sculpture, I was litterally eaten by a steady dripping of torpor. Its not without stupor that I could only add listlessness and lethargy to an overall state of horror.
That's when occurred a change in the equation. From twisted passion it morphed to intense aversion. Repugnance and repulsion in tandem with revulsion grew into a new form of relation. Aberration and distortion uprose adoration. The man formerly known as my father took delight and I dare say an extreme pleasure of satisfaction at my inability to show any form of social interaction. He started to beat me and threw me repetitively against the walls. I had become merely a compact mass, something you kicked like a ball.
When I became a grown woman. Its true that I stood out like a sore thumb but once I finally took the courage to get him reported, people said that the devil was inhabiting my womb. I must have provoked him since he was such a gentleman. Always a nice word and showing kindness to everybody including my mam. Some said it was not his fault, this is how he was wired. They blamed it on a disease adding he should have got help. Alas this is not as simple as an infection, this is being diabolic nothing that can be treated with a strong antibiotic.
When I am asked how I cope. I don't know what to say, how can you function without hope. I sometimes feel my existence has been tied to those events with a rope. I feel like suffocating at the thought of sharing the same oxygen and in all honesty I am very unsure I will ever be able to trust any men.
I am a survivor of the horror you see. I have so many questions about the cause or the intention. It’s like when I used to spy with my little eye, the only difficulty is that nobody is willing to answer
Why ?
people & stuff
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Written Material Copyright 2019 -Pascal Derrien -
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Comments
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #27
CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit you always bring so much depth to any discussion you are part of on this platform and you have done it again thanks so much for outlining your thoughts 🙏🙏
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #26
many thanks 🙏 Lada \ud83c\udfe1 Prkic hope I did justice to the topic as maybe I thought it was a bridge too far in terms of writing ability any I appreciate it’s not easy to comment so I much appreciate you took time to drop a few lines
Lada 🏡 Prkic
4 years ago #25
CityVP Manjit
4 years ago #24
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #23
ah thanks for the kind words Ken Boddie I think sometimes we have to be frontal and not shy away from issues that said I promise I will write something lite the next time around....well if I can :-)
Ken Boddie
4 years ago #22
Robert Cormack
4 years ago #21
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #20
Thanks for dropping by Robert Cormack and sorry to hear about your other half. I must say that even the progressive mind in me stand by the NO EXCUSES motto.
Robert Cormack
4 years ago #19
Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
4 years ago #18
"indeed Paul Walters I m not ready yet to write about the 7 best ways too cook beans in a microwave 😉" You aren't? Oh, crap--I don't have a microwave anyway.
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #17
for sure Praveen Raj Gullepalli the exploration hat is only on when the mind is fit and ready to undertake the trek 🤔
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #16
indeed Paul Walters I m not ready yet to write about the 7 best ways too cook beans in a microwave 😉
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #15
many thanks 🙏 it means a lot especially coming from you Joyce \ud83d\udc1d Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee 😉
Paul Walters
4 years ago #14
Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee
4 years ago #13
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #12
I am not sure how they function Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador they would probably choose to ignore it I suppose ......
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #11
indeed Jim Murray it’s complex on multiple levels and I cannot fathom how victims of abuse can get on with their lives with such s heavy baggage 🤔
Jim Murray
4 years ago #10
Jim Murray
4 years ago #9
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #8
cheers Chief Poet 😉
Debasish Majumder
4 years ago #7
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #6
many thanks 🙏 Phil Friedman yeah my heart sinks and it gives me the shivers when I come across stories like this yet silence is not acceptable in my opinion hence my small contribution to the unfortunate victims
Phil Friedman
4 years ago #5
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #4
I know I know Ali but I still wanted to write about it 🤔
Ali Anani
4 years ago #3
With all honesty Pascal Derrien thsis is my feeling post to reading your post.
Pascal Derrien
4 years ago #2
many thanks Ian Weinberg I know many won’t interact with this article because it’s unsettling and easier to avoid but to your point you can’t always ignore what happen behind a closed door 🤔
Ian Weinberg
4 years ago #1