Pascal Derrien

5 years ago · 2 min. reading time · visibility 0 ·

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Planet Of The Apps

     Planet Of The Apps                              

She (it’s my phone Fonda) came into my life roughly a year ago after the previous one left ‘’broken’’ hearted. I suppose I should have told her from day one I am not really into this, she wants more apps, I said no she told me I was a dinosaur I replied she was low spec and high maintenance. I got off the phone 

My phone and I have a very turbulent and complicated relationship; I have to be honest we are not a perfect match maybe it is not her maybe it’s me. I want a quiet life, I just want her to be there by my side and sit tight and keep her cover tidy, I am not too keen on having to listen to her beeping randomly. I suppose that’s not what you call a relationship in mobility land, Fonda is jealous she sees all the other devices and she would really like to become an extension of my brain (and my wallet).   

I don’t dislike phones you see but perhaps I am not a smooth operator either, I don’t understand the Vyper talk bit but I get the whole Bluetooth wisdom and all that jazz to a certain point. What should you expect from somebody who does not answer calls, never checks his voice mails and forgets that a device has to be charged on a regular basis. I think I probably have managed to get one game and have not downloaded a single app for the last 12 months. 

Two weeks ago Fonda and I had another one of those arguments while attending an all you can eat data buffet, I dared mentioning how voracious she was, it got heated and in the end I told her she was useless, she answered she was indispensable. 

Me:Keep it down keep the volume low, there is no need to make a scene.

Fonda: Look at me for once!! I have become a laughing stock;nobody ever calls us!!! 

Me:What am I supposed to say you can still walk away!!!

Fonda:You know very well I've built my world around you

Me:This is easy to say I give you only take! 

I suppose that gives you sense of how bad the situation is at the moment and I sense there is probably no going back for Fonda and me, sad but true we may not overcome our differences and we are most likely heading towards an electronic divorce rather sooner than later. 

I see some of you getting on fire with the digital love of your life I envy you. You probably went to CES in Las Vegas on honeymoon together, you took some videos and photos and you probably still send numerous WhatsApp messages and updates to each other every day, this is so touching. 

I know some devices are super smart and lovely, some take care of themselves perfectly and store all the excess digital weight in the cloud. Maybe we need more FaceTime but I kind of think this will pass us, Fonda and I won’t have upgrades together, there are too many orphans already when you know 98% of apps downloaded are abandoned within a month, that’s said we are not even paired. 

I (am not a) Phone, I refuse to be an Android, a Son of Eric who says Ola to Motor, I don’t want to Sing a Song to Sam or say No to Kia. 

Listen I am not going to try to convince you to have a different lifestyle however 

Don’t let a phone ruin your life 



Got off The Phone = Rhett & Link- Get Off the Phone Video 

Watch Out = RSA Ireland- Anatomy of a split Second Video 


Photo Credits

Extraordinary Useless utility by Joshua Kemble

Previously published on a different platform and reposted on

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Nick Mlatchkov

4 years ago #14

Google is especially annoying with its tricks to collect more data from u.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #13

thanks Javier a light take with a more serious end 😀

Javier 🐝 CR

4 years ago #12

This is brilliant. I LOVE IT 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #11


Nick Mlatchkov

4 years ago #10

It seems it's even b4 we flew over to beBee from LI ...

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #9

ah thanks for liking this one from the vault 😀

Debasish Majumder

4 years ago #8

wonderful buzz Pascal Derrien! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #7

cc Donna-Luisa Eversley

Pascal Derrien

5 years ago #6

many thanks Dean Owen :-)

Dean Owen

5 years ago #5

Brilliant Pascal Derrien. I can totally relate.

Ken Boddie

5 years ago #4

Ha Ha! Just remember - happy wife, happy life. :) #4

Pascal Derrien

5 years ago #3

Thanks Ken I know Fonda has many fans :-) and I am not jealous

Ken Boddie

5 years ago #2

Interesting post, Pascal, and very funny comparison. Let's propagate the image of your smart phone being like a wife. Don't you buy your wife gifts and pamper her with presents (cf apps)? Don't you have discussions with her and genuinely interact with her in new and interesting ways, taking advantage of all her intellectual capabilities (cf texts, voice mail, email, Sari, maps, Google searches, etc, etc). Perhaps you don't so much need a smart phone, but rather a basic tool that only allows you to make the occasional phone call? Seems to me then that you may not want a wife but a housekeeper? Only joking, but I'm with Fonda.

Pascal Derrien

5 years ago #1

Many thanks James :-)

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