Planet Of The Apps
She (it’s my phone Fonda) came into my life roughly a year ago after the previous one left ‘’broken’’ hearted. I suppose I should have told her from day one I am not really into this, she wants more apps, I said no she told me I was a dinosaur I replied she was low spec and high maintenance. I got off the phone
My phone and I have a very turbulent and complicated relationship; I have to be honest we are not a perfect match maybe it is not her maybe it’s me. I want a quiet life, I just want her to be there by my side and sit tight and keep her cover tidy, I am not too keen on having to listen to her beeping randomly. I suppose that’s not what you call a relationship in mobility land, Fonda is jealous she sees all the other devices and she would really like to become an extension of my brain (and my wallet).
I don’t dislike phones you see but perhaps I am not a smooth operator either, I don’t understand the Vyper talk bit but I get the whole Bluetooth wisdom and all that jazz to a certain point. What should you expect from somebody who does not answer calls, never checks his voice mails and forgets that a device has to be charged on a regular basis. I think I probably have managed to get one game and have not downloaded a single app for the last 12 months.
Two weeks ago Fonda and I had another one of those arguments while attending an all you can eat data buffet, I dared mentioning how voracious she was, it got heated and in the end I told her she was useless, she answered she was indispensable.
Me:Keep it down keep the volume low, there is no need to make a scene.
Fonda: Look at me for once!! I have become a laughing stock;nobody ever calls us!!!
Me:What am I supposed to say you can still walk away!!!
Fonda:You know very well I've built my world around you
Me:This is easy to say I give you only take!
I suppose that gives you sense of how bad the situation is at the moment and I sense there is probably no going back for Fonda and me, sad but true we may not overcome our differences and we are most likely heading towards an electronic divorce rather sooner than later.
I see some of you getting on fire with the digital love of your life I envy you. You probably went to CES in Las Vegas on honeymoon together, you took some videos and photos and you probably still send numerous WhatsApp messages and updates to each other every day, this is so touching.
I know some devices are super smart and lovely, some take care of themselves perfectly and store all the excess digital weight in the cloud. Maybe we need more FaceTime but I kind of think this will pass us, Fonda and I won’t have upgrades together, there are too many orphans already when you know 98% of apps downloaded are abandoned within a month, that’s said we are not even paired.
I (am not a) Phone, I refuse to be an Android, a Son of Eric who says Ola to Motor, I don’t want to Sing a Song to Sam or say No to Kia.
Listen I am not going to try to convince you to have a different lifestyle however
Don’t let a phone ruin your life
Got off The Phone = Rhett & Link- Get Off the Phone Video
Watch Out = RSA Ireland- Anatomy of a split Second Video
Extraordinary Useless utility by Joshua Kemble
Previously published on a different platform and reposted on bebee.com
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