Pascal Derrien

4 years ago · 3 min. reading time · visibility 0 ·

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Anger: Hostility Towards The Opposition

Anger: Hostility Towards The Opposition


‘’a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong’’

One of those dark November evenings when the dinner turned out to be an unusual mediocre display of my mum’s culinary skills, anger invited itself to our moderate rent apartment on the 3rd floor of a small building complex in the south suburb of Paris.

In the minuscule kitchen , the small table which could barely accommodate more than us three became the centre stage of a play involving fury, inadequacy and its best friend voracity.

The comment made by a man I used to called Daddy had been very unnecessary. A quick shot aimed at hurting, you know not one of those which is not life threatening but the other type the cheap one which is soul destroying. He thought it was entertaining but I did not feel like laughing. A heavy silence dominated the tangible tension, nobody was talking. I would not give him the pleasure to see me visibly angry, I would not elevate my voice and I would only award him with anger in its most economical display.

Revulsion, disgust and nausea came crashing at high speed against the partitions of my brain but I would show nothing, just contain. I levelled up my gaze and stared at him directly, I was not speaking my eyes instead were doing the talking.

‘’You threw my childhood to the wolves for the last 10 years but I got news for you, from today on it’s over; father. Don’t come near me or my mummy and ask me dear son where art thou because from now on I only have one answer for you, screw you!!!’’

The morning after, I guess the message had somewhat gone thru. He said hi in front of his breakie, his six foot three son answered hello laconically. On that day I started to drift away, my open wounds would find refuge in Punk Hardcore I felt comfortable with the outcasts and other urban misfits. I would claim bands such as Gorilla Biscuits, Minor Threat or Youth of Today as mine, I loved bands from New York City or DC and I would have given everything to see Fugazi.

I would disappear for 3 days at the time even if I had on me nothing but a few dimes, I could be seen at most alternative gigs and I developed a particular interest for the straight edge movement. There was no way I would replicate what I had been thru at home for years. Straight Edge was described as a subculture of hardcore punk whose adherents refrain from using alcohol, tobacco and other recreational drugs it suited me I had no vocation being a sub version of me, my anger was healthy I wanted to move forward not sink into being a perfect subject for alcohology.

I would rarely show up at home except for reloading my provision of batteries and tapes for my Sony Walkman, get a change of clothes and say hello to my mum. I would cautiously avoid confrontation even though my blood was boiling with resentment. I started to branch out from my friends in the neighbourhood and even my beloved Kate Bush or my buddy Robert Cray could not help me not to go away.

My level of autonomy increased and like most cats I ended behaving like a stray, sometimes at that game all you can do is to lose everything but you never know if you have the right cards anyway. Three o’clock in the morning, too late to go home, I had been seeing a local band and thought I would be sleeping locally in one of those squats I had been in previously.

As I passed a second door he was there half groggy, his tired Iroquoise looked in my direction while his inarticulate mouth yelled at me, it took me a minute to realize he had a loaded gun directed at me. Calmly and maybe on the borderline of irresponsibility boosted by dander as a trigger I deliberately called him a sad mother#*cker.

His yellow eyes laughed nervously, those guys had a short life expectancy, he expected me to have money but on that day I was not doing sympathy as a currency. He did not like my answer obviously but did not nothing when I went past him, there is nothing really punky in being a junkie, you are just another victim of the tyranny. The encounter took its toll on me and I felt exhausted, the anger had been fuelling me but on that night I finally got low on energy.

Maybe it was time to go home, I had two options I could rush to Porte D'Orleans and take the bus who takes the Nationale 20 or I could take the R.E.R B all the way to Massy. It was still a.m at six thirty and after a strong coffee I decided to take the bus an option rather lengthy.

For almost eight months all I did was to wander but it did not matter.

I did not want to be taught I wanted to learn

Rage ÷ Angry = Toxicity

Peace





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People & Stuff

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Anger by night

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Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #37

#44
many thanks Donna-Luisa Eversley yeah I think you have to be frontal with issues at some point it does not need to be a head on collision but sometimes it is the only way :-)

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #36

#40
Huge thanks Don \ud83d\udc1d Kerr I am not sure it is brave I guess once you have made the decision to park inhibition, stuff comes easily almost like a free flow it becomes effortless even if I don't deny the cathartic aspect of it not sure I am making sense here :-)

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #35

#37
I am not great at commenting but I appreciate your thoughtful comments and observations :-)

don kerr

4 years ago #34

Pascal Derrien provides inspiration here.

don kerr

4 years ago #33

Pascal Derrien have prompted me to create a new post. Thanks always for your provocations!

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #32

#33
Those that need to develop a brand should develop the best brand they can, those who want to be an entrepreneur should develop their customer value skills and engage in what the customer is willing to pay for. What Pascal outlines here is the most important place on Earth, more important than the branded persona, more important than the entrepreneur, which is home. The branded life and how it affects "home" is undeniable. When Dean Owen Dean Owen talked about the father he never knew, the branded life was central to that story. Other times the son or wife or brother or daughter-in-law become secondary to the pressures of making a living - which is also part and parcel of the branded life. Next to the branded existence is work that does not touch our capabilities, so our capabilities are expressed outside of work, but more importantly outside of home as well - but those capabilities are the very one's that can enrich the ground that is most ours, in a home that takes imagination and perseverance to create. .Noting is a given in this world, but we can substantially increase the odds if home was central.

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #31

#33
Those that need to develop a brand should develop the best brand they can, those who want to be an entrepreneur should develop their customer value skills and engage in what the customer is willing to pay for. What Pascal outlines here is the most important place on Earth, more important than the branded persona, more important than the entrepreneur, which is home. The branded life and how it affects "home" is undeniable. When Dean Owen @Dean Owen talked about the father he never knew, the branded life was central to that story. Other times the son or wife or brother or daughter-in-law become secondary to the pressures of making a living - which is also part and parcel of the branded life. Next to the branded existence is work that does not touch our capabilities, so our capabilities are expressed outside of work, but more importantly outside of home as well - but those capabilities are the very one's that can enrich the ground that is most ours, in a home that takes imagination and perseverance to create. .Noting is a given in this world, but we can substantially increase the odds if home was central.

Mohammed Abdul Jawad

4 years ago #30

O, the youth…the vital period that’s passionate all the ways. You trim it nicely, it turns good. You jolt it hard, it jeopardizes your strength. You take care of its hue, it comforts you. You walk sensibly on the straight pathways, it makes you not a lonely wanderer, you take it with all easiness and without rage, and verily it will give you all enthusiasm and enjoyment. Btw...Pascal Derrien a very thought-provoking post that tempted me to pen down my comments. :)

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #29

#33
Those that need to develop a brand should develop the best brand they can, those who want to be an entrepreneur should develop their customer value skills and engage in what the customer is willing to pay for. What Pascal outlines here is the most important place on Earth, more important than the branded persona, more important than the entrepreneur, which is home. The branded life and how it affects "home" is undeniable. When Dean Owen Dean Owen talked about the father he never knew, the branded life was central to that story. Other times the son or wife or brother or daughter-in-law become secondary to the pressures of making a living - which is also part and parcel of the branded life. Next to the branded existence is work that does not touch our capabilities, so our capabilities are expressed outside of work, but more importantly outside of home as well - but those capabilities are the very one's that can enrich the ground that is most hours, the home that takes imagination and perseverance to create. .

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #28

#34
thanks Joel Anderson not a unique scenario indeed 😒

Joel Anderson

4 years ago #27

Well spoken Pascal, Your words resonated on many fronts. LeGoya.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #26

#31
thanks Ian Weinberg, only trying to be a good human :-)

Ian Weinberg

4 years ago #25

Blessed are they who are able to find and acknowledge a conviction deep within their soul, that 'life can be better than this'. Thanks Pascal Derrien for another authentic and inspiring narrative. Good on you for transcending the toxic and sharing hope.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #24

#27
thanks Aurorasa Sima it has been something indeed some got a better deal and others got it worst it is what it is and I had to find a way around it :-) I abhor toxicity in all its forms as you may guess :-)

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #23

#25
Dear Deb [ Deb \ud83d\udc1d Helfrich ] Soulless corporations are made up of soulless people. There is legal definition of corporations now to be legally treated as a person and that is horrible in itself, but soulless people is my primary concern. My individual problem with personal branding is that placed in the hands of soulless people that make corporations soulless, it should better be described as ZOMBIE BRANDING. I have great appreciation of what goes into a quality brand or the quality of people in sales that Aurorasa Sima partners with - but these are the A-players. Steve Jobs created a huge corporation also and my issue is not with scale but what happens when personal branding is sold like soap. At this point is where I connect the meaningless of zombie branding to the unintended consequences felt back in a home. Jobs even warned about Bozo-leaders at Apple !!! My personal mantra is not personal brand starts at home but leadership starts at home. I know one thing, as far home life is concerned, it is not a lid I want to open, because that Pandora's box is frightening - one I cannot do anything about it until a generation appears that begins to connect the dots of the past. Marketers talk about GENERATION Z. This generation represents among them my two grandsons. Those two will grow up with a different insight than was presented to us. I don't want to be a prognosticator of the future, I simply want my piece of societal transformation now - and in so doing the quality of MY home - now I become human and not an instrument or brand-slave for work.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #22

#23
thanks Gert Scholtz :-) right on the button I think it is both if I am honest with myself but it just takes a pen and a bit of time time I think courage is probably something you do when you don't need to :-) .

Gert Scholtz

4 years ago #21

Pascal Derrien There is always a depth of sensitivity in your writing. Perhaps because of your experiences or perhaps because in a way you are writing yourself out of it. Whatever it may be I admire your courage Pascal.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #20

#21
a decade of various events led to an overgrown accumulation of frustration that exploded quietly, victims of various abuses sometimes don't necessarily speak up when they rebel they act..... many thanks for commenting and putting my own comments in perspective :-) Sara Jacobovici

Sara Jacobovici

4 years ago #19

I think I understand your comment from a deeper place now Pascal Derrien: "Hard wiring to self preservation or is it survival ? We seem to repeat patterns by just pushing the boundaries a bit further each time after repair ignoring that one day we will push it beyond being fixable."

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #18

#18
Pascal, you and I are what Malcolm Gladwell calls "outliers". http://gladwell.com/outliers/outliers-q-and-a-with-malcolm/

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #17

#18
Pascal, you and I are what Malcolm Gladwell calls "outliers". http://gladwell.com/outliers/outliers-q-and-a-with-malcolm/

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #16

#16
thanks CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit for always stimulating the conversation in a way I have not thought about ? Interestingly enough I have never defined myself by what I do :-)

Harvey Lloyd

4 years ago #15

#11
I know there seems to be an ever increasing group of youth who are not receiving the needed emotional supports. These are needed to form a community/worldview that you can survive. This is not a situation that will ever go away but do believe we can manage it better than what we are. Many paths to emotional survival.

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #14

This story emphasizes what I am glad Donna-Luisa Eversley agreed with me that personal brand is needed in our home rather than paid work. What is not told in this story is whether what was endured in the home was also reflective in the workplace. Were there two faces to the father, a real disaffected one at home and a more branded one at work? Systems are culpable in producing behaviours, especially since the industrial revolution took away meaning from the home and put it into the workplace, so much so, that today if I had met Pascal for the first time, one of the first questions he would ask me is "What do you do?". The home was not always like that and finding meaning in work rather than home is just one root cause, the bigger one is the creative expression of ourselves was never built into industrial age work. For all I know Pascal's father could have related to his family than his own frustrations but a family that is affected by the equally soul-destroying nature of industrial age work is often affected thus. Now I find a domino effect in this story, of a father taking shots at his own family probably not because he is psychopathic but more due to the meaningless endeavour that multiplies these moments across a thousand households. What we don't find surprising is the sheer number of people who will relate to this story. We don't ask why so many people from different homes can relate in the same way - because in drawing our meaning from the work we do, this meaning has become such a sacred cow. I begun to see how meaning forms in third places, such as the punk rock scene for Pascal - where find a new home in that because of meaning not found in home and the expression not found in work. This is worth thinking about.

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #13

This story emphasizes what I am glad @Donna-Luisa Eversley agreed with me that personal brand is needed in our home rather than for paid work. What is not told in this story is whether what was endured in the home was also reflective in the workplace. Were there two faces to the father, a real disaffected one at home and a more branded one at work? Systems are culpable in producing behaviours, especially since the industrial revolution took away meaning from the home and put it into the workplace, so much so, that today if I had met Pascal for the first time, one of the first questions he would ask me is "What do you do?". The home was not always like that and finding meaning in work rather than home is just one root cause, the bigger one is the creative expression of ourselves was never built into industrial age work. For all I know Pascal's father could have related to his family than his own frustrations but a family that is affected by the equally soul-destroying nature of industrial age work is often affected thus. Now I find a domino effect in this story, of a father taking shots at his own family probably not because he is psychopathic but more due to the meaningless endeavour that multiplies these moments across a thousand households. What we don't find surprising is the sheer number of people who will relate to this story. We don't ask why so many people from different homes can relate in the same way - because in drawing our meaning from the work we do, this meaning has become such a sacred cow. Then we begin to see how meaning forms in third places, such as the punk rock scene for Pascal - and we find a new home in that because it channels our creativity and capability but also the meaning not found in home and the expression not found in work. It is worth thinking about.

CityVP Manjit

4 years ago #12

This story emphasizes what I am glad Donna-Luisa Eversley agreed with me that personal brand is needed in our home rather than for paid work. What is not told in this story is whether what was endured in the home was also reflective in the workplace. Where there are two faces to the father, the real disaffected one at home and the branded one at work? Systems are culpable in producing behaviours, especially since the industrial revolution took away meaning from the home and put it into the workplace, so that today if I had met Pascal for the first time, one of the first questions he would ask is "What I do?". The home was not always like that and finding meaning in work rather than home is just one root cause, the bigger one is the expression of ourselves found in creative means that were never built into industrial age work. For all I know Pascal's father could have related to Pascal but a family that is affected by the equally soul-destroying nature of industrial age work is affected thus. Now I find a domino effect in this story, of a father taking shots at his own family probably not because he is psychopathic but more due to the meaningless endeavour that multiplies these moments across a thousand households. What we don't find surprising is the sheer number of people who will relate to this story. We don't ask why so many people from different homes can relate in the same way - because in drawing our meaning from the work we do, this meaning has become such a sacred cow. Then we begin to see how meaning forms in third places, such as the punk rock scene for Pascal - and we find a new home in that because it channels our creativity and capability but also the meaning not found in home and the expression not found in work.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #11

#12
Dean Owen indeed it seems I had a concentrated sample of obstacles earlier than anticipated I guess it is easy to understand why I wont replicate :-) as far as the writing goes and the prose ... hearfelt thank you I suppose:-)

Dean Owen

4 years ago #10

Something good came from these harrowing experiences.... You, your family, and your writing!

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #9

#10
thanks Harvey Lloyd great work you do , later in life I came across homeless teenagers who did not have any support mechanisms even for a few hours daily.

Harvey Lloyd

4 years ago #8

I had awesome parents that really fed into my success in later years. Today our firm works with students who have had the experiences you speak of in your post. I am challenged by the homes these students return to each day. We offer them a little hope for a few hours, through education. Your story resonates with my journey of working with these students. I also agree that when you start there, the only way out is for an individual climb. No one can offer the words of solution, only experience and time can guide one to a redeeming life. Great words and steady courage.

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #7

#8
life's a bitch as they say and I would lie if I said I would not have had it any other way....... the itensity of the city and the culmination of various event the previous 10 years led to a ....controlled outburst, its not good to have angst as legacy. Many thanks for the kind words they are much & truly appreciated Lisa Vanderburg

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #6

You're a better man than me Pascal Derrien. If I had been male, I may have well gone the way of violence...somewhere. Your narrative is painfully beautiful; I'm right there with you, fuming, wounded, wronged again and again. What a bloody life, eh?

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #5

#5
debasish majumder I was not quite I was capable of capturing the intensity and raw fragility of those days, it's just an honest attempt at retracing some other ways. thank you for reading :-)

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #4

#4
indeed a defining and formative time one of many I suppose for me , you have to leave to be able to come back many thnas for reading Deb \ud83d\udc1d Helfrich :-)

Helena Jansen van Vuuren

4 years ago #3

#2
also brave, in awe of you!

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #2

#1
thank you and recovery ☺

Helena Jansen van Vuuren

4 years ago #1

Pain

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